August 3rd 2023
Another date that has seared my soul. Although I did have to work out how many years it is, since my friend died. Turns out it's 8 years. Plus it was also a full blue moon, that crisp wintery morning.
I remember seeing the big surface with it's silvery eerie light from the staircase of the hospital and wondered if she could see it close up from where she was. I wondered so many things in a few short moments, but mostly how to get through the day without her in it. The comeback kid wasn't coming back and I went numb.
That numbness stayed put for years. I almost had to force myself to cry. Me, the ultimate cry baby with stones in my tear ducts. It was so unlike me. It was a very fragile time that somehow made me stronger and more determined to make sure I live my life to the fullest. But the edge of numb grief can be rather cutting and I think there were probably casualties from my emotional disconnect at that time. I apologise to all and any, if you were affected.
I learned about a different side of grief from the loss of this friend. In fact I'm still untangling myself from the shards of that period. I sometimes question my intensity of my loss with my friend, but I also know it added to the accumulated loss that was still percolating under the surface in my psyche.
Grief is a strange beast and no one is ever spared from the experience. It's unpredictable and sometimes surprising, exhausting and relentless and when you think you've turned a corner to entertain world again, it can deal a body blow again.
My way of acknowledging it now, is to really make sure I'm not wasting life, and appreciate every moment, even if it is a moment of lying on a bed too tired and sore to do anything else. I'm breathing, I'm lucky and today I'm thinking of Carrie.
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