This is my third start of the British summer. Three years in a row I've heeded the call to journey north to explore the land of my birth. Every year I get more insight into who I am and why I keep returning.
This last past month in my adopted country of South Africa has been turbulent and healing. My car broke, my teeth broke and my new relationship broke. Each brokenness signifying something yet not all has been revealed. I've learned a lot about prioritising and surrender, I'm still no expert but I'm learning to adapt and still manage to make the most of less than ideal situations and look for the good. I'm surprised that even with my heart battered and bruised I'm still able to find the good without denying the hurt.
It helped that I was able to handle the upheaval while staying in my old home of 30 years. My ex was working away and graciously offered me to spend my last few weeks there and boy, did I need it. I didn't know how much I needed the solace of a physical place. The place that had seen me go through the loss of my mum, sister, friends, relatives and pets over the three decades, provided the solace and support in it's inexplicable way. For the last three years I've floated the planet, nesting in pockets of space while gathering adventure and energy but there was a small part of me that was craving familiar, old and ownership. I wasn't aware of the craving until I felt it being satiated.
The energy of a space.
It sounds so completely weird and logical at the same time. My body knowing every inch of the bricks, carpets and garden, recognising the angle of the sun, the arch of the light, all so comforting and healing. I sat for hours in my therapy chair in it's new location in the lounge, letting it's safe 'arms' envelope me in it's comforting way. The radio sending me cosmic signals that all is well and 'don't worry-be happy'. Neighbours giving the cheerful greetings and a comforting cup of coffee taking me back through the years that are covered in sepia. I'm truly learning lessons in trust- trust in life and of self. This home space showed up in it's divine way and with my car not working, I was almost 'forced' to stay put and allow my 'feel and heal'. How absolutely necessary for me to feel the ghosts of all my lovely dogs from yesteryear and to get in touch with my old ability to cry easily.
I realised that in my quest to uncover my Scottish roots I have to acknowledge the new roots lodged in the red soil of South Africa. As much as a part of me tries to deny them, there they are. I realised that much like my dual nationality, my roots are entwined. The dry, gnarled twigs of the new criss cross the dense, moss covered logs that carry the carvings of my ancestors.
I watched a TV series that had beautiful shots of Glasgow and my heart panged while salty emotions spilled onto my cheeks. I attended a concert where there were two South African bands that matched the beats of my heart. One of the bands has been hypnotising me for 4 decades when they play 'live' and my logical brain still asks why. The day of the concert was a perfect weather, perfect company and brilliant music way to end off the past five months of bliss.
There's a part of me that still can't believe that this is my life, just a small part mind you, but it's there. I had no idea this journey to discover my roots could be so fantastic. I'm also completely aware of how fragile life can be with one of my brothers in law facing a horrible health crisis and being treated palliatively. Another extended immigrant family friend, too, is facing her end and my heart aches for them yet it spurs me on to make the most of every moment and not waste this privilege of life.
So as I sit on my hard airplane seat, crossing over the horn of Africa, while listening to Fleetwood Mac sing their 50 years of hits, I'm aware of all of it and decided to write this piece now instead of pretending to find sleep. The world is much smaller because of these huge metal flying beasts and I'm so glad to be able to make the most of these opportunities. My physical exploration of my world was unlikely and a dream and here I am, living it. What a gift.
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