Friday 15th December 2023
I had a thought about my life the other day while driving to meet my friend about how small I try to keep myself. Naturally, I had to delve in and analyse, seeing as I was driving my 'small car'. I love pulling thoughts apart and looking at all the intricate layers. Of course, it is just my take on it and that gets influenced by so many factors.
Small and 'just enough' seemed to be my subconscious program for a lot of my life. But there was always this rebellious, ambitious part that would push through every now and then. But when it came to income and earnings, I tended to have this sabotage aspect which had this invisible limit to it. I've discussed this with a fellow therapist friend years ago, but obviously I still 'needed' aspects of it because I loved my tiny car. On one occasion I questioned my driving it when I started this gap year/life, because I needed to get 600km away through a massive mountain range on a truck filled highway, without a spare wheel, to my destination. I ended up making a 5 day trip of it and of course it went fine but I did question why I was content with my tiny car.
When I was driving my 7 seater prize car, for those 3 magical months, I loved it and became aware of how utterly safe I felt driving it. But then it went back to the dealership and I sized down for a while before jetting off to the UK. This year I returned to my Smart, quite excited to be driving once again and it was going well.
My younger sister had needed to drive my car while hers was in for repairs and I know she gets nervous driving my Smart. It turns out that it was the prompt she needed to buy the new car she'd been looking at for months. She kept her 'old' car because she wasn't getting any trade-in value. I was quite puzzled when she said to me 'you can use it'. I started asking when she interrupted 'yours is dangerous'. My jaw dropped- how can she say that?
Today I drove her (5 year) old car on the motorway to pick up keys and have lunch with friends. The first journey was a little anxious, different brakes, power, mirrors... but the return journey felt so comfortable. I started to laugh when I realised that this could be my car for the next while, this - big car. I thought about how lucky I am to have these siblings, friends, opportunities to live this amazing life. As my friend said the other day ' you have the biggest life I know'. I was surprised but then I thought perhaps it's time for me to embrace that it's okay to want big things. We live in an amazing world and there's nothing wrong with living 'large' in fact, it's quite exciting.
Comments