Friday 9th February 2024
On this day 52 years ago, I became a big sister. I was 5 at the time and had 5 siblings on the upline. These 5 looked after me, carried me, teased me, buffered me and babied me. And just like that, I was knocked off my perch. I remember (yes, I do) being conscious of trying not to be jealous. I was an extremely sensitive child. There's oddly enough a lot of memory there, perhaps because it was so deeply life changing for me. Being a therapist who looks back for triggers, I was surprised when I realised that I hadn't acknowledged the trauma of no longer being the baby of 6. Part of the kind of therapy work I do, is to pretend to go back to the little Cathie at that time and 'help' her through it. We know I survive and get through it but there's residual stuff that might have filtered through.
This baby sister ended up having quite a tough adulthood with a lot of loss in her life, but she too is a survivor and has made it to this age. After I realised that I needed to let her be who she is and stop trying to rush into always help, she's proved that she is very capable. Now my support comes more often when it gets asked for. And the care and energy is redirected to myself. I know, this seems rather deep tonight but I used to take my role as 'big sister ' extremely seriously. Particularly as her mum died when she was 19. However I sometimes forgot about the 25 year old me, who too was hurting and experiencing deep grief for the first time. It was easier to rush in and 'mother' than to face my own pain.
In the past years, I realised my own neglect and have been gently working on helping my little 5 year old self as well as that 25 year old version, who didn't allow herself the luxury of all the dark ugly emotions that every human has. You see, by helping myself first, just like the say in planes to put your mask on yourself first, I'm far more able to appreciate, help and support her and the rest of the clan (world) who needs some help. I enjoy her company more by seeing her as whole and not thinking I need to do something.
Today I chose to surprise her at the hair salon and make a fuss. I know she doesn't like a fuss as much as I do, but that's my prerogative as big sister to annoy her, haha. I took in a birthday balloon (my word, the price of them?) And some small bits and bobs and sat with her in the salon.
She told me years ago to stop calling her my little/baby sister, but she literally and physically is littler than me but I think she was onto something by me inadvertently minimizing her strength. Now I still call her little sis, but less so and again I'm using sibling prerogative for annoyance there, haha.
I'm fortunate to be part of this clan and I'm feeling grateful that I have so many humans I get to call sibling.
P.S. I know she doesn't read this blog, hence the reason for my posting the unglamorous picture of her in the salon- haha!
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