Saturday 11 November 2023
My nightly writing is now well over two years now and my sister and I were reflecting to this year in May when I arrived in England. It feels so long ago, yet I know I've seen so much again. My blog has helped me remember what I've done and keep a record. Sometimes it's a general diary of events and sometimes I delve into my emotions. But I'm proud of my consistency in this because I used to think that I gave up on things too quickly.
I'm discovering aspects of myself that I used to be ashamed of having and nowadays I'm accepting all of the negatives. 'I am who I am and that's okay.' This statement saved me at a time in my life where I'd lost my way from my self. I was so hard on having to be 'more, different, cleverer, kinder, thinner, prettier, busier, quieter, noisier....' you get the picture. I was at my wits end.
My business hadn't worked, my life felt like it was hanging in shreds and I had absolutely no self worth. I was spending all my time looking after our running club and I felt like I was worth nothing. So that particular day I went for a run and the saving statement popped in my mind. But I was angry and frustrated and I didn't want any blerry self-help drivel. Fortunately the therapist mind was louder so while running, I started growling and tapping my fingers on the statement... 'I am what I am and it's okay...' My jaws were clenched as I growled and the statement on repeat slowly started to get me to unclench my jaws.
I had a thought of 'of course I'm okay, I'm still alive'. This thought always jolts me because my sister didn't get to 48 or 49, my late friend only saw 46, and another friend only a little over 40, and that's just the immediate few that popped into my mind.
I recognised the logic mind kicking in which signifies that the emotion has dissipated a little, so that was a good thing. Besides, I wasn't telling myself that I was brilliant, 'just' okay.
The reason this has popped up in my writing in that today was a bit of a rollercoaster for me emotionally and I want to have it on record. I'm fortunate to have great emotional support but some days it's necessary to wallow a bit.
I shifted a lot after going for a walk in the crisp, bright air and I noticed all the different berries and changing landscape. There were some lovely dogs on route but I never expected to see a white pony.
I know tomorrow will be a better day, so thanks for letting me indulge in my okayness, haha!
Love you all x
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