Sunday 4th June 2023
I have tiny moments of disbelief that my life is this good. There's almost guilt when these moments hit but I'm pleased to report that I no longer live in guilt valley.
I was soooo good at guilt, I should've been given one of those honorary doctorates by a Rome university or something. It was a feeling I slipped into easily or maybe I lived feeling guilty all of the time and slipped out of guilt on the odd occasion. My guilt fed my anxiety and it kept the addictive cycle of worry ticking over. I had a great job, man, house, health, life and the lack of struggle ramped up the guilt. Particularly in a country like South Africa, where there is literally struggle on every corner, parking lot and traffic light. A constant reminder of having privilege.
Privilege has become a swear word in today's culture and I had lots of it by simply being born into the circumstances of my life. So in a way, feeling guilty counteracted it for me. In a therapy session years ago, I realised that I was guilty for being alive. It started while I was very young. Somehow my extreme sensitivities led me to believe that my being alive was a burden on others, my folks and my siblings. And then the audacity of being a girl. The fifth one in a row!!! Gosh, the young me tried very hard to be a boy. I was ashamed of my femininity for most of my youth, thinking somehow that I was weaker. Then I'd feel guilty for not liking myself as I am. Sigh. Yes I was a tortured youth.
Perhaps it's my age, perhaps it's all the therapy I've done/given but the guilty character has disappeared. It's now only one of the range of emotions and not a constant state of being. My people pleasing has almost lessened and travelling has made me realise that it's okay to please myself, in fact it's fun. I've had to start asking for help when needed and accept it with an open heart. My discernment has strengthened and I'm no longer needing to apologise for everything.
A simple example of me understanding how I've shifted...
I've had glorious weather the past 10 days in Scotland. My sister and lovely friend have both gone down south to England for their respective visits and they've had worse weather. I almost want to apologise, haha.
I used to be very tortured to make up for all the amount of great things that I have in my life. My health, opportunities, friends and family were all somehow brilliant but I have to remain humble cue the guilt...
But my life now is brilliant. I'm brilliant ( a touch squirmy here)
If I die in my sleep I have no regrets... okay, maybe one. I should have given up the guilt earlier.
Deep thoughts tonight, I'm almost apologising, haha
Thanks for being in my brilliant world.
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