Monday 7th August 2023
I'm still a bit afraid of the dark. Not my dark, but the dark.
My dark- I have faced regularly and for a while in my twenties, I lived there. My contorted soul wrestled with how bad a person I was. Years of a heavy Catholic upbringing combined with my over active imagination, saw me in hell and damnation for the rest of my little life. Alfred Hitchcock black and white movies with monsters under beds and around every corner seared my mind. That darkness was familiar and a time the only place I knew. Fortunately all that is gone. Plus I have plenty friends going to where I'm going after our orbits around the sun, haha.
The dark is a different place. It's nighttime, shadows, bogeyman, alleyways and lions. (Look- I grew up in South Africa) I worked in a huge hospital when I turned 18 and night shift saw me often skipping down the dark passages to check on patients. Driving at night is one of my worst things. All sorts of scary monsters taunt me from the shadows. Although I would sometimes end up running in the dark on training runs, it was never on my own and then I'm fine. Even though I love star gazing, it means that it has to be night-time to do it.
So what is this all about? Well today my train to London was a great cheapie, but it meant that I'd be coming into the city after dark. A sudden rush of fear at the departure station had me googling last minute hotels right next to Kings Cross station. I almost booked one to avoid having to walk the 10 minute walk from the Underground station to my friend's flat in London in the dark. As I tallied the cost which was a real waste, I got the nudge to wait until I got into London and regroup. So I stopped and reflected back at the unusual panic. This is why the dark story popped up.
When I got into Kings Cross, I realised that I could get immediately onto my subway train without any changes so the decision was made. The tube was surprisingly busy for 9.15pm plus it was warm. After 5 stops an extremely loud, agitated Spanish lady started screaming at some Americano and she was even louder than the ear blocking noise at the one section of the route. Nobody dared look at her and then the train stopped mid tunnel. Non Comprehende.... fortunately it was just a red light and we all were very thankful when it pulled into the station.
My walk to the flat was fine, I saw many other women walking calmly on their own and I didn't feel at all scared. I even stopped into a supermarket for some quick perishables! Perhaps I'm less afraid than I thought 4 hours ago.
I'm quite chuffed with myself!
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